"The Last Bland"

If you're considering going to see X-Men 3--well, go. Go expecting to see a special effects show with some familiar characters worked in, and you'll leave contented. But don't go anticipating a great story.

(I should first point out I was ten minutes late and missed the opening scenes which were, reportedly, some key flashbacks. I pretty much know what happened, so I don't think it will scew my judgement too far, but just in case...)

Discussing The Last Stand with my friend, Vanessa, one fault kept reappearing: pacing. Everything happens too fast:

Character A is introduced, then dies or is de-mutated.
Character B is introduced, dies or demutates.
Character C is introduced...Wait, what happened to Character A, again? Who is this Character C? And why do I care?

There's little cohesion, little reason given why we should care about these peop--er, mutants, other than we liked them in the previous two installments. I found myself not really caring about the characters who died, and even less about those who survived.

The hit-and-run pacing left no room for any emotional connection. Vanessa and I went to a nearly full-capacity screening, and the audience, except the guy next to me, was flat the entire time. No one cringed when characters were hurt. No one laughed at the lines that were supposed to make us laugh. It was an audience of zombies. And while no one outright booed at the end, there certainly wasn't any applause. Never before have I been to a movie--especially opening weekend, sure to draw hardcore fans; and a holiday weekend, to boot--where no one seemed to be enjoying themselves. In fact, the only member of this audience who gave any indication of being alive was the older guy sitting next to me, who was refreshingly impressed by the special effects, and endearingly vocal. He was the kind of guy who either ruins a movie experience, or improves it. And this time, he definitely improved it, dropping the only memorable lines from my experience with understated sincerity:

"Holy guacamoly."
"Uh-oh."
"He really shouldn't have done that. She's gonna be pissed now."

This guy was a stark contrast to the rest of the zomb--audience, who seemed to have taken a vow of silence, only broken after what everyone assumed to be the final scene, disappointed grumblings of "another stupid ending," "there's more?," "hold on, it's still going." *said with tired exasperation* Never have I seen such a blank, cold reception.

The Last Stand impersonally ties up some loose ends, douses us with some special effects, and ends the X-Men "trilogy" collectively, but not individually. I left the theater wishing for a fourth installment. (And although this is supposedly a closed franchise, the last scene, with the chess piece, did leave open the possibility. I think it was supposed to be the Hope For Tomorrow, The Story Continues thing. It was my favorite scene, by the way.) See, this wasn't a movie made for the sake of the story, or the characters, or the audience. It was a movie made for making money. And made money it has. And (I know, I know, I paid my $5, too) that's disappointing, because it doesn't really deserve to be the blockbuster it has become.

Do I regret going? No. It was, in its way, a fun summer flick--or would have been, if I hadn't been hoping for more--and it does have its moments, be them sparse. But I do regret this is the end of X-Men cinematically, because it wasn't nearly as good as it could--and should--have been.

(All that said, it's not as bad as it could have been. This review gives a fair analysis, but--while there aren't any direct spoilers--I don't recommend reading it before seeing the flick.)