The Immortal Dictatorship

Warning: What you are about to read is no doubt classified information which I have only recently begun to have suspicions about. I will probably be thrown into a damp and dank dungeon or thrust into the WPP. Read at your own risk. *glances around ominously*

Have you ever noticed the striking similarities in appearance between Stalin and Saddam?



































Well, I was thinking about what it could mean and that maybe they're related somehow but then another thought struck me *drops to a whisper*--maybe the two are actually one. Maybe, just maybe, the world has an immortal on its hand, an immortal bent on domination.

Now, I started to think about this and thought "Wait, who would support such a cause, if they even believed he was immortal?" and then I thought some more and another thought struck me, this one more severe--like, you know those supposedly neutral countries that do, apparently, nothing, ever, except isolate themselves--namely, Canada, New Zealand, and Switzerland? They stay out of wars, controversial politics, and I have never once seen a product stamped "Made in Canada." These countries just sort of fade into the back of our collective recollection, seemingly innocent. Yeah, well, maybe they are not so innocent. Maybe they're in cahoots, supportive of the Immortal Dictator himself. Maybe we have a Canazeawitz conspiracy on our hands, unbeknownst. We just assume they're peace-loving administrations elected and appointed by peace-loving peoples, but instead, they're plotting to conquer the universe, you and I included, throwing all the free peoples of the world into slavery, no doubt forcing us to build lusterous monuments to their meraculous Canazeawitzian selves.

Why haven't we noticed this before now? Well, the Immortal Dicator and his Canazeawitzian denizens have far-reaching tendrons of maliciousness. Namely, Costco. No, seriously, have you ever gone into one of their stores? They're constantly rearranging and shifting their merchandise. You go in there for a bag of rice and wander around for two bloody hours, searching until your eyes hurt from the high, blaring lights and the endless array of boxes and crates and bulk Lysterine and 100-piece packs of gel pens and 18 oz. strawberry crates. I have often wondered why they do this, usually concluding it to be a marketing strategy. And it is. But they aren't marketing mouthwash, they're marketing brainwash. Then we go home, and what do we do? We turn on that confounded televisual contraption and watch American Idol while eating Peanut Butter Captain Crunch (which I swear contains habit-forming substances) until falling asleep. It's the Cost Company, it's Fox, it's QuakerOats. They're distracting us. It is all just part of the Great Distraction, and we're all falling for it.

I know, I know. You're sitting there in your cushy office chair, reading this post with a dazed and skeptical countenance and thinking "Dude, this chick must have had some Captain Crunch in bulk and is having a sugar high or something!" *nods sagely* Yeah, that's what they want you to think. The truth is, the Immortal Dictator has us all in his mighty clutches, and until someone truly reveals his every-day-life-permeating masterplan, we are all doomed, doomed to Simon Cowell, bulk Lysterine, and uninformed-ness.

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sycophant (n. A servile self-seeker who attempts to win favor by flattering influential people [ like, say, the Immortal Dictator.])